In Part One and Two of our series on sexuality and parenting, sex education expert and author Debra Haffner discussed the need for parents to set the stage for open and honest talk about sex by creating a dialog rather than delivering a single "Big Talk." Here Haffner argues that the process can start early.

Parents sometimes laugh when I tell them they can begin educating their baby about sexuality. I think they picture putting their infant on their lap and saying something like, "Today we're going to talk about sex."

Of course, not. Educating your infants and toddlers about sexuality has nothing to do with giving them a talk. Nor does it have anything to do with giving them facts. Instead, it's about laying a foundation for openness about sexuality issues.

Touch and Trust

Infants and toddlers are learning about their bodies, about what feels good, and about what's expected of them as boys or as girls. They're also learning--in a very fundamental way-- about being loved. All of these experiences are part of their sexuality, and parents are their most important teachers. As you talk to, play with, or hug and kiss your baby, you are setting the stage for future sexual learning.

The first 18 months is one of the most important times in life for learning about love and touch and developing a sense of trust. Research on early childhood shows it's vitally important for babies to know they are loved and that you will respond to their needs--not just for food, sleep, and clean diapers--but also for touch and caring. When infants cry, your quick response teaches them that they are loved and the world is a safe place. It boosts their confidence and their belief that they will get love, support, and help when they need it. In extreme cases, babies who are denied touch and caring develop a syndrome called "failure to thrive," which can sometimes be fatal. They don't eat, they can't absorb nourishment, and they withdraw from people.

Discovering the Body

During the first year of life, babies discover their bodies. By eight months, your baby probably will discover her or his hands and toes. Many of us excitedly tell our friends or mothers, "Susie found her fingers today and put them in her mouth." By 10 or 11 months, your son will also discover his penis and your daughter will discover her vulva--equally important events.

Admittedly, few of us will call our mothers to tell her how much our baby loves to touch his or her genitals. Yet, how you react to this exploration will give your child an early message about sexuality. If, for example, you say "no" in a stern voice and move your child's hand away, you may be teaching your child that genital touching is bad. Some parents choose to ignore the behavior and continue on with diapering in a matter of fact way; they give the message that this is natural but should not get in the way of the business at hand. Others leave the baby with plenty of time without a diaper on so they can continue their exploration. Think about which message you want to give your child about genital touching, and act accordingly.

As you ponder how you will handle this situation, keep in mind that it is as natural for babies to discover and touch their genitals as it is for them to discover their fingers and toes. In reality, they are not "masturbating": they are learning that it feels good to touch all of the parts of their body.

The Words We Use

Parents of baby boys sometimes worry because their sons seem to have an erection at every diaper change. This is an understandable but needless worry. My advice: Relax. Boys get erections about every 90 minutes. Rather than being a response to erotic stimulation, they are a natural response to friction, touch, or the need to urinate, and they will go away.

Parents begin to teach their children the names of the parts of their body during infancy and the toddler years. They play a game: "This is your head, your nose, this is your tummy, these are your knees, and these are your toes." They sing, "Head, shoulders, knees, and toes." Think for a minute--what part of the body is missing? Parents may inadvertently be teaching their child that a third of the body does not have a name--or at least not a name that mom and dad can use comfortably! When genitals are named, euphemisms reign. Boys' penises have thousands of cutesy names; girls' genitals are often just called "down there" or "your privates."

How much better it is if a parent can learn to say, calmly without embarrassment, "This is your head, this is your nose, this is your tummy, this is your penis or your vulva, these are your knees, these are your toes." Your child will learn that all the parts of the body are good, and they will also learn that mom and dad can talk about these types of things.

These suggestions may strike you as minor and even silly, but they help teach your child at an early age that you are an "askable parent" and that sexuality is easily addressed in your family. By naming the parts of the body, treating genital touching as natural curiosity, and providing your baby with lots of touch, you are setting the stage for future discussions about sexuality and for your children's sense of ease with their bodies.