You are flesh and blood, and lately that flesh part has been taking up a good deal of your thinking time. You have been dating and you want to get sexual. The only problem is you are a single parent and sometimes--perhaps all the time--the little angels are with you when you'd also like to be with the one you love (or desire). What is the right way to proceed?

Well, right away, I should tell you there are two schools of thought on this issue. The first is never never have someone sleep over until the two of you are going to be married or are already married. The principle here centers on the model you will be presenting to your children, particularly if they are in middle school or older. Your example taps into both a moral issue and a practical problem. There is research to indicate that girls who have moms who are dating get sexual earlier than girls who do not. Monkey see, monkey do. Unhappily, this strategy of keeping sexual intimacy outside of the home--or restricting it to when the children are absent--is often hard on relationships, especially serious ones. Many adults have a lot of trouble keeping sex on the sidelines for a significant length of time. For a while it may be acceptable to keep sexuality confined to weekends when the kids are at the other household, or when opportunity presents itself, but many couples find that keeping sex organized around children's schedules causes not only frustration but resentment and emotional distance. So, often people either "slip" or get married sooner than they might have otherwise.

The other school of thought suggests it's healthiest if your child begins to get used to used to the idea that this is an important person to you--and that your young one may eventually be kissing you both goodnight and seeing you both at breakfast. Given this possibility, the key here is a slow introduction to this next phase of dating. By contrast, what you would not want is for the kids to accidentally discover an overnight partner. Even therapists who think it's acceptable for a partner to sleep overnight at some point in the relationship don't think it's a good idea for the children to be introduced to mommy or daddy's significant other by walking into the bedroom and finding the couple in post-coital slumber. Children seem to be able to handle their parent's choices as long as the person is not a surprise. It's also critical that they don't feel left out; otherwise, they may start acting out--trying to get back onto center stage.

The exception to this last statement is the adolescent child. Usually, though not always, teens go through a moralistic stage with two distinct manifestations: either the child puts you on a pedestal or, conversely, they see almost anything you do as dorky and inept. Either way, the introduction of someone who is going to sleep in your room occasionally is going to be a difficult sell--even if you've announced this is the person you are going to be with forever. Kids who have lived with a single parent for a long time get possessive--and what kid likes to think of their mom or dad being sexual with anybody?! But if you add to that the idea this person is coming over without a role in family life (i.e., it appears to the to the adolescent that this is just someone you sleep with and see casually), their reaction definitely can be the stuff that soap operas are made of. Possible reactions: tantrums, hostile looks, moral condemnation, the freeze treatment, or sexual acting out.