You've been divorced or living alone for a year and you feel that old yearning--to be admired, to experience things with someone older than 12 or younger than 70, and, yes, for some sexual salvation as well. But then you think of your five-year-old. Or your middle school kids. And you wonder; "How could I ever start dating again? How can I possibly integrate another adult into this household? Where is the time? The courage?"

Probably the most common reason single parents stay single is because they can't figure out a way to put themselves back into "the game," given the constraints of work, schedule, and emotional energy. There are more than enough tasks in anyone's life to fill up available time; add a child, and it's over the top. No wonder so many people keep putting romance on the back burner: the work it takes to re-enter the dating world just seems too daunting.

But perhaps if we deconstruct the whole process, it might seem a little more reasonable. After all, so many people these days have been divorced--many with children. Some of those single parents are keen on finding each other, wisely believing that someone who has a family of his or her own will more easily adapt to integrating kids into a relationship. Still, kids aren't always too keen to have a new adult in their lives--especially if they still have fantasies of putting the old family back together.

So, how to proceed? Here's a list of key considerations for you and your children:

1: Help them remember you are a human being and not just a parent.

Kids are selfish. That's part of the definition of being a kid. It seems perfectly reasonable to them that you organize your life entirely around their's- and your only time off is after their bedtime and before they get up. It's up to you to start helping them mature by teaching them that other people have needs--including you. You can get lonely; you can want to go to a party. You might like to meet someone cool.

2: Help them understand that you need privacy.

Kids can understand privacy if you stand your ground. Older kids know that they want to talk to their friends without you on the line. Younger kids know (or should know) that they can close the door when they go the bathroom and not have anyone barge in. They can learn that some parts of your life are your own, and not the family's. You don't have to share your dating triumphs and woes with your kids. (In fact, telling them too much would confuse them, making them into peers and confidantes rather than your children.)

3: Reassure them that not everyone you meet is a potential mate

While some privacy is a good thing, your dating life doesn't have to happen in the netherworld. Your kids can meet romantic interests, ex-dates who are now friends, people with potential-an array of contenders. It won't hurt your kids to meet these people; in fact, it's easier if they have met a lot of people rather than only introducing them to "the One." That puts less pressure on everyone concerned. People can easily enter your life and prove to be interesting acquaintances--just in the same way non-romantic friends help add to a child's life.

4: Negotiate kid time and personal time--so you don't have to feel guilty when you do take time for yourself

Negotiate with your kids about how often you will date, and then hold them to your mutual agreement. This is fair, and it will keep you from feeling guilty every time you leave them with your mother or a sitter. This is your time, and you deserve it--just as they deserve the time you have agreed to give them. Don't get weird and feel like personal time is the thing you deserve least.

5: Do have people over, but don't let someone hang around a lot unless it's really serious.

So Person X has become more than a casual date. Cool. You've missed having a regular partner, and you are now having occasional visions of Sunday morning breakfasts. Careful! Kids are looking for stability, too, and if they like this person at all, they may start mentally integrating him or her into their future. This you don't need. Not unless you have made the decision to be really serious with this person, and your feelings are reciprocated. If kids attach to someone, they don't like seeing them disappear. So you have to keep things light for them, by mediating how many personal appearances (and at what times) any one person gets to make. Letting someone sleep over is a BIG STATEMENT for kids. So, unless Mr./Ms. Perfect is in the guest room (and older kids are going to snicker about that...) it's best to wait until you have a committed relationship. More on that in our next column on this subject!