Sexhealth.com put the question to couples expert Pepper Schwartz, PhD. Her answer:

Yes. Because cybersex can be passionate and romantic and intimate. We know that just a few of the right words can make bodies lubricate and organs change shape. We know that people have orgasms while chatting on the Net. Sounds like sex to me.

On the other hand, we could answer no, cybersex isn't really cheating. Because there aren't two people pressing real flesh together. There aren't any hotel bills. We could argue that cybersex is just a cousin of other kinds of fantasy--and surely we should all be allowed to have a little lust in our hearts? If we look at cybersex this way, it's just a type of value-added masturbation.

But maybe it all depends. Cybersex could easily be catalogued as no big deal if both steady partners and spouses agreed that sex on the Net was okay--safe, both physically and emotionally, as long as people didn't actually meet.

Where do I stand on this? I'm in the camp that says it depends on what you can work out with your partner. And that will be highly individual. Some women feel betrayed if their man even looks at a pornographic photo; others will just want to be included in the games.

Private negotiations aside, for those of you who want a handy guide and do not trust yourself to make fair rules, here are my general guidelines for checking out how much like cheating your cybersex habit may have become:

Cybersex in the first degree: This Includes general lurking. Eavesdropping on sex chat rooms, but not participating. If this were real life, you would be watching group sex, which would be pretty cutting edge. But in the realm of cybersex, lurking is just a kind of sexual reconnaissance. It's fantasy foreplay. It gets very low infidelity points.

Cybersex in the second degree: Includes participating in sex chat rooms and other kinds of anonymous sex. These might be seen as the cyber equivalents of one-night stands--the equivalent of being playful at a convention. Of course, unless permission is granted, your partner would blow a gasket if he or she knew.

Cybersex in the third-degree: Now we're talking felony. You've developed a sexual partner on the Net. You've gone into private rooms and said things more sexually vivid, hotter and more unrestrained than you have ever said to anyone else. Is this cheating? Of course this is cheating! This is sex with all the emotional trimmings. It really doesn't have to be fleshy to be sex. You can share plenty of passion and love on the Net--and isn't that what most partners consider exclusive to the relationship?

You disagree? Try telling that to your partner who, having come upon your printed conversations, is busy talking to one of those lawyers who advertise on TV.

-- Pepper Schwartz, PhD